Updated Blog Address

This is the last time I change my blog address (I swear!).  The new address allows for more creativity and is formatted more like a website. 

Please visit it, subscribe, and follow!

http://karithinkingoutloud.wordpress.com/


Thanks!

Date night: Des Moines hot spots

So, you’ve managed to score a date.  Now what?  Planning a date can be worse than actually asking the other person out. 

Choosing the right place and ambiance is critical for a successful outcome. It’s all about location, location, location (I feel like a real estate agent!)

 Things to consider when planning a date:

 *What day of the week is it?
 *Time of day (is it a coffee date, lunch date, or dinner date?)
 * How well you know the person (is it a blind date?  Is it a first date? Are you several dates in and looking to take things to the next level?)

 If you’re trying to get to know someone (and actually hear what the other is saying) you may want to reconsider going to a noisy music venue, concert, or sports bar.  If you and your date are still in the “hanging out” stage, and not sure how things are progressing, then choosing a location/place which is more romantic than your relationship level can be awkward and confusing. 

Dating can be awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved, especially early on.  Ask yourself: “What do I enjoy doing socially?” and “Where am I most comfortable?”

Des Moines has a wide variety of restaurants, bars, music venues, and activities to choose from.

Lacking currently in the dating department, I asked some local singles: “Where is your favorite date spot?”

* Django                                                                    
210 10th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-0268Open: Mon-Thu 11am-10pm; Fri 11am-11pm;
Sat 4pm-11pm; Sun 4pm-9pm

“This French inspired restaurant is nicely lit, it’s quiet, and the food is amazing.  They never have a wine corking fee, so you can bring your own wine.”

*Lucca
420 E Locust St
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 243-1115
Open: Tue-Thu 11am-2pm, 5pm-10pm

“This small dimly lit restaurant offers several pre-fix dinner options (no surprises when the check comes!). The open-style kitchen is a great focal point. This is a perfect first-date spot.”

*A local coffee shop
(my personal favorite: Java Joes)214 4th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-5282
Open: Mon-Thu 6:30am-11pm; Fri-Sat 6:30am-12am;
Sun 6:30am-10pm

*Bistro Montage
2724 Ingersoll Avenue
Des Moines, IA 50312
(515) 557-1924
Open: Tues–Sat @ 5PM

*Iowa Cubs Game/Principle Park
1 Line Dr
Des Moines, IA 50309

(515) 243-6111
(Times and schedules vary)

“Going to a game is low pressure and fun.  If you’re date isn’t going so well, it gives you something else to concentrate on.”—Emily Montgomery, 30, Beaverdale

*The Oyster Bar at Splash303 Locust
Des Moines, IA 50309
515-244-5686
Oyster Bar - 11:30 am to 2 pm, 4:30 pm to 10 pm

“The Oyster Bar is a quaint romantic date spot.  We love going there because it’s dimly lit, its quiet, and they have no corking fee,” –Geni Grant, West Des Moines.  “Oysters are an aphrodisiac.”

Choosing exciting places for a first date increases the chances of the other person falling for you. There is a definitive link between danger and physical/romantic attraction.
                        --Naik, Anita.2004. Flirtology: Over 100 Ways to Release Your Inner Flirt. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

If you’re still struggling in the date-ideas department, author of The Manual, Steve Santagati (2007) has some great bonus ideas:

·         Bowling or playing pool (if you’re feeling competitive)

·         Going to a comedy club (so you can laugh at others, and not just yourself)

·         Karaoke night at a local dive bar (and IIIIIIII will always love yoooouuuuuuu)

·         Biking/Hiking/Fishing (for the outdoorsy types)

The nostalgia and excitement of landing a date can lead to a lack in common sense. These may seem like a no-brainer, but trust me, they happen all the time.

What not to do:

·         Never sh*t where you sleep (unless you want to pick a new “favorite place”, keep them away from yours)

·         Withhold your Martha Stewart cooking skills until you really know the person and are comfortable with them at your home

·         Never go to a place they went to with their ex (it will just remind them of their ex)

·         Limit your alcohol intake or don’t drink at all (unless you’re hoping to look like a drunken fool)

·         Don’t eat foods that will give you bad breath (or worse, gas)

Worst places to go on first date include fast-food restaurants, your kids’ birthday party or school play, your parents’ house, strip clubs, X-rated films or swingers parties, a party where your ex will be, church activities, or window shopping.
                --Naik, Anita.2004. Flirtology: Over 100 Ways to Release Your Inner Flirt. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Santagati, S., Cohen, A. (2007). The Manual. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

If I were you, I'd want to date me too

The first step to enjoying the dating process is to know exactly what you’re dealing with.  In a perfect world, it would be laid out in black in white.  It would have pie charts, diagrams (for you boys out there), and a step-by-step guide.   

I claim to hold no degree in relationship therapy or to be a “dating expert” (hello!  I’m 30…and still single…), but I will hold nothing back, I will sugar coat nothing, and I will do my best to give you the honest (as I know it) truth about dating and relationships.

 If dating were a college degree, I would have a PhD. (with honors, of course).  With humor, mild abrasiveness, and amazing shoes, I will wade through the pond of lecherous pick-up lines, mind-numbing first dates, and sub-par dating sites.  I currently reside in West Des Moines, among the nearly 54% of single women (more competition). 

My take on dating may be of help to you, or simply make no sense at all.  At the very least, you have my guarantee to be entertained.  I hope someone finds humor in my misfortunes. 

I bring to you one warning:  I say what I want, I do what I want, and more often than not…I think out loud (Hey, I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking, but doesn’t have the guts to say!).

Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
(Yep, I actually just said that!)

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

JERRY SEINFELD, stand-up routine

So, You're say'n there's a chance...

We’ve all been there.  The endless dates (some great, some horrible), have resulted in lasting (for a while) relationships, friendships, lessons learned, and (for me) a few stage-five-clingers (stalkers). 

Sheer frustration doesn’t fully describe how I’ve felt during the majority of my dating history.  I’ve dated some really great men, a few bad boys, and a lot of stereotypical immature liars and cheaters. 

There’s good news for us single-slingers. We are not alone (figuratively)!

The average woman dates nine men before finding the right one (Crap, nine?  I’m waaaayyyy past nine!), according to a survey of 2,000 women from Meeteez.com. 

The survey shares some interesting information:

Before finding “Mr. Right”, women:

·         Kiss 22 guys

·         Have 6 one-night stands

·         Have their hearts broken 5 times

Before finding their “true love”, men:

·         Kiss 23 girls

·         Have 10 one-night stands

·         Have their hearts broken 6 times

I may still be single because, I’ve:

·         Kissed 37 guys

·         Had 1 one-night stand

·         Have had my heart broken 3 times

Shouldn’t my higher than average number of men I’ve kissed compensate for my lack of one-night stands and broken hearts?

I would like to bring to your attention the following questions I have about this survey:

1.        At what age did the men and women surveyed start counting those they’ve kissed?

2.        Does a one-night stand mean you had intercourse (One could get confused by this)?

3.        Define a broken heart.  Are we talking about extreme disappointment? Wishful thinking? Or the stereotypical “I can’t possibly go on….I’ll never love again…blah, blah, blah,” broken heart?
               

           

If dating is confusing enough, the question: “What are we?” makes people crazy.  So when do you go from “seeing each other”, to “dating”, to a relationship?

 According to TopDatingTips.com:

When does a date become a relationship?

1. 1 week 3%
2. 1 month 17%
3. 2 months 20%
4. 6 months 13%
5. Once we have had sex 13%
6. Once I have met the parents 8%
7. Once we have been on vacation 0%
8. Once we have moved in together 0%
9. When he/she says I love you 25%

So I pose a question for all the single, confused daters out there.  In the dating game, when does a date become a relationship?

Please comment or send me a message with your thoughts on this!  Let me know if you would like to be featured in my “ride’n solo” series as well!

Are You Smelling What I'm Stepping in?

How is it that I set such high standards for the shoes I buy, but not for the boys (yes, I said boys) I date?

When buying shoes (and I do a lot), I always have some sort of mental check list of qualifications and attributes my shoes must have.  I tend to be attracted to the more flashy expensive shoes, but I always look for great craftsmanship and quality.  No matter what anyone says, shoes make the outfit. If you are wearing a great pair of shoes, you: walk better, you exude confidence, and you look amazing…

There are three things which I notice immediately about a person:
1. Smile (teeth)
2. SHOES
3. Whether or not they are wearing white socks with dress shoes!! (Seriously guys, who does that?!!)

I would beg, borrow, sell my soul to the devil, and greatly contribute to the national debt, to have a great pair of shoes. Why is it I don’t set such high standards and make such sacrifices for the men I date?

Anyone who has known me most of my adult life, can tell you that my choice of men is seriously misguided. If I were to compare the boys in my life to the shoes in my closet, it would go like this:

Boy type #1: I would compare him to my really great pair of black leather and snake skin high heels (thank you Donald Pliner). From the moment I saw them in the store, I fell in love. Being just flashy enough for my personality, they had a sense of traditionalism and perfection that only a great pair of black leather heels could possess. The feel and smell of the leather was intoxicating (think the smell of a great men’s cologne). The toes were just pointy enough to scream “look at me”, and the heels were high enough to make my legs look amazing. Those shoes have been a staple in my wardrobe for years (nearly ten). I’ve worn them with a great little black dress or with a pair of jeans and a tank top. No matter what I wear them with, I feel great. I feel like the only person in the world with a great pair of shoes (not to mention how many amazing I look). Through the years, they acquired some flaws, (we won’t mention the time they made me trip and fall flat on my face—twice), but I can’t seem to let go of them. They fit my feet so well and I felt so good when I wore them; they are like home to me. I’ve searched and searched for a pair to replace them, and no matter how many times I throw them in the bottom of my shoe chest, they always seem to reappear right when I need them.

Boy type #2: I would have to compare him to a really bad impulse buy. You know, the shoes you bought at a clearance store where they have loads and loads of defective shoes at such an impressive price that you over look the fact that they are flawed and ugly. (Everyone has owned at least one or two pairs of these!) Those shoes were so not me, I found myself buying outfits to go with the shoes, instead of buying the shoes to go with the outfit (think: changing who you are to be with someone rather than them complimenting your true personality). Those damn ugly shoes gave me blisters, and never quite fit right.  They hurt my feet so bad I finally realized they weren’t for me or my closet. After some soul searching and an intervention, I finally threw them away (not even the Salvation Army would want them!).

Boy type#3: I would compare this guy to my favorite pair of Nike’s. Forever classic and comfortable—yet that’s all they’ll ever be. They fit your feet so well, but honestly, what could you wear them with? No matter how hard you tried, they only matched a few things. You can’t dress them up (they’re running shoes for Christ’s sake!).  You wanted to wear them so bad you found yourself planning your wardrobe around the shoes. They brought a sense of comfort, but at the end of the day, they only made you think about how you didn’t work-out that day, or how your legs would look better in a pair of heels. Those shoes are great for running, but that’s all they’ll ever be good for. Unfortunately, that’s all you found yourself doing: RUNNING.

(There are other random shoes (men) in my closet, but they aren’t important enough to mention. (Think: the three pairs of shoes you have, which are the exact same, but in a different color) I’ve worn them all once or twice, but they’re nothing I would ever get caught having my picture taken in)

Why can’t men be lined up and neatly organized according to size, shape, quality and craftsmanship like a great shoe store? Even if that were the case, it could never be 100% effective. All of us have tried on a “great pair” of shoes which seemed so right in the store, but once you got them home, and wore them a few times… they fell apart.

Snatch.com: The Walmart of Dating...

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Delusional: Moments as the Other Woman

We've all been there. Some, more than others...
I wrote this piece for a News Writing & Reporting class, reflecting on how media can alter what we consider societal norms...

Adultery, infidelity or cheating — whatever we want to call it — is more rampant than ever.  The affairs of movie stars, millionaires and politicians are promoted every time you pick up the latest magazine or tabloid. 

All of the splattered mistresses’ names have me thinking. How common is it really?

I am using the terms “other woman” and “mistress” out of convenience, relevance to my own experience, and because research still shows that more men cheat than women. According to the Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, nearly one-quarter of women and more than one-third of men have participated in an extramarital experience. 

Let’s face it.  At one time or another, we have all fallen victim to the “John James Woods” character (John Edwards, Jesse James, and Tiger Woods). Either we were the naïve, “in denial” girlfriend, or we were the delusional “other woman”. Why do I feel like all the heat is being placed just on the “other woman”?

Sure, when the scandal breaks, everyone immediately runs to console the devoted wife to get her side of the story (insert Elizabeth Edwards). Why does everyone blame the “other woman” (insert Rielle Hunter)? Every wife/girlfriend who has been cheated on doesn’t want it to be that their husband/boyfriend went willingly.  They want to believe that some seductress stole their partner away.

 It’s not an easy position to be in.  Either you didn’t know until you were already involved, or you didn’t plan on things moving past the steamy night in bed. 

Perhaps it was his initial doting of attention, your lack of self-confidence, or your knack for impossible relationships and your fear of commitment. Admittedly, having been the “other woman” in the past, I can now look at my error in judgment with a sense of humor. Whatever the case may be, I would like to think this is where it all begins. …

So there you are — dating. When you first meet this guy, he seems too good to be true --      funny, confident, laid-back and genuinely interested in you. You “hook up” with him a few times, and you start to think the unthinkable — he would make the perfect boyfriend. Unfortunately, he failed to mention that he is the perfect boyfriend — someone else’s. 

After you get over the initial shock, (you know it is completely against all girl code to hook up with someone else’s boyfriend), you somehow manage to rationalize your appalling behavior. You convince yourself (with help from the cheater) that he and “the girl” (insert denial), have reached the final stages of their “tormented” relationship and have agreed to see other people. 

• Question: What do spiral perms, tapered leg jeans, and Boone’s Farm Wine have in common? 
• Answer: They all seemed like a good idea at the time. 

While you know full well that there’s someone else in his life, you make the conscious decision to pretend she does not exist. Your friends have staked an intervention warning you that you are his “sloppy seconds” (yes, you already know this, but pretend it doesn’t sting a little). But there you go — back for seconds, thirds, and sometimes fourths. 

You and I all know the “perks” of the “guy with girlfriend”:
1. Calling has never been a two way street. You know not to call him. He calls you when he has a moment or “the girl” is not around and/or out with her friends.
2. You get snippets worth of his time.  And even that seems to phase out (insert yawn).

How is it fair that you are giving the best of yourself when you are getting the exact opposite from him? You get his left-overs. “The girl” gets the best parts of him -- his humorous personality (which usually has dropped 50 points by the time you see him), the dinner dates (you get to cook for him at your apartment because he can’t risk being seen), and the romantic heartfelt gifts during the holidays (I will not even go there.  It makes me throw up a little in my mouth).
            Excuses. You’ve heard them all.  They sneak in when you least expect it (or you actually welcome them to suffice your own guilt).  Excuses are like assholes.  Everyone has one or two. Sometimes a good kick in the rear (getting caught), is all you need to face the truth.

q  It only ends one way: He decided that he loves his girlfriend (the one he has been cheating on) and somehow manages to blame you for almost breaking them up.

q  The bullshit decoder: “She’d be crushed if I broke up with her right now,”
really means: “Why would I ever end it with someone who puts up with all my bullshit?”

q  The semantics of “togetherness”: “We’re not technically together,” really means: “She hasn’t moved in with me…yet.”

q  Not enough time: “I don’t have time for a relationship right now,” really means: “I have a girlfriend and I’m hooking up with someone else. I don’t know how long I can do this before I get caught.”

q  The bottom line: “She means nothing to me,” really means: “Neither do you.”

Whatever the motives may be, someone gets hurt.  If the “cheater” is so unhappy in his current life, he should leave. By posing as the “other woman”, you are saying that you lack self esteem and common sense (trust me, I know). The “treasured but used” complex needs to end.  The grass may seem greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it.