Delusional: Moments as the Other Woman

We've all been there. Some, more than others...
I wrote this piece for a News Writing & Reporting class, reflecting on how media can alter what we consider societal norms...

Adultery, infidelity or cheating — whatever we want to call it — is more rampant than ever.  The affairs of movie stars, millionaires and politicians are promoted every time you pick up the latest magazine or tabloid. 

All of the splattered mistresses’ names have me thinking. How common is it really?

I am using the terms “other woman” and “mistress” out of convenience, relevance to my own experience, and because research still shows that more men cheat than women. According to the Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, nearly one-quarter of women and more than one-third of men have participated in an extramarital experience. 

Let’s face it.  At one time or another, we have all fallen victim to the “John James Woods” character (John Edwards, Jesse James, and Tiger Woods). Either we were the naïve, “in denial” girlfriend, or we were the delusional “other woman”. Why do I feel like all the heat is being placed just on the “other woman”?

Sure, when the scandal breaks, everyone immediately runs to console the devoted wife to get her side of the story (insert Elizabeth Edwards). Why does everyone blame the “other woman” (insert Rielle Hunter)? Every wife/girlfriend who has been cheated on doesn’t want it to be that their husband/boyfriend went willingly.  They want to believe that some seductress stole their partner away.

 It’s not an easy position to be in.  Either you didn’t know until you were already involved, or you didn’t plan on things moving past the steamy night in bed. 

Perhaps it was his initial doting of attention, your lack of self-confidence, or your knack for impossible relationships and your fear of commitment. Admittedly, having been the “other woman” in the past, I can now look at my error in judgment with a sense of humor. Whatever the case may be, I would like to think this is where it all begins. …

So there you are — dating. When you first meet this guy, he seems too good to be true --      funny, confident, laid-back and genuinely interested in you. You “hook up” with him a few times, and you start to think the unthinkable — he would make the perfect boyfriend. Unfortunately, he failed to mention that he is the perfect boyfriend — someone else’s. 

After you get over the initial shock, (you know it is completely against all girl code to hook up with someone else’s boyfriend), you somehow manage to rationalize your appalling behavior. You convince yourself (with help from the cheater) that he and “the girl” (insert denial), have reached the final stages of their “tormented” relationship and have agreed to see other people. 

• Question: What do spiral perms, tapered leg jeans, and Boone’s Farm Wine have in common? 
• Answer: They all seemed like a good idea at the time. 

While you know full well that there’s someone else in his life, you make the conscious decision to pretend she does not exist. Your friends have staked an intervention warning you that you are his “sloppy seconds” (yes, you already know this, but pretend it doesn’t sting a little). But there you go — back for seconds, thirds, and sometimes fourths. 

You and I all know the “perks” of the “guy with girlfriend”:
1. Calling has never been a two way street. You know not to call him. He calls you when he has a moment or “the girl” is not around and/or out with her friends.
2. You get snippets worth of his time.  And even that seems to phase out (insert yawn).

How is it fair that you are giving the best of yourself when you are getting the exact opposite from him? You get his left-overs. “The girl” gets the best parts of him -- his humorous personality (which usually has dropped 50 points by the time you see him), the dinner dates (you get to cook for him at your apartment because he can’t risk being seen), and the romantic heartfelt gifts during the holidays (I will not even go there.  It makes me throw up a little in my mouth).
            Excuses. You’ve heard them all.  They sneak in when you least expect it (or you actually welcome them to suffice your own guilt).  Excuses are like assholes.  Everyone has one or two. Sometimes a good kick in the rear (getting caught), is all you need to face the truth.

q  It only ends one way: He decided that he loves his girlfriend (the one he has been cheating on) and somehow manages to blame you for almost breaking them up.

q  The bullshit decoder: “She’d be crushed if I broke up with her right now,”
really means: “Why would I ever end it with someone who puts up with all my bullshit?”

q  The semantics of “togetherness”: “We’re not technically together,” really means: “She hasn’t moved in with me…yet.”

q  Not enough time: “I don’t have time for a relationship right now,” really means: “I have a girlfriend and I’m hooking up with someone else. I don’t know how long I can do this before I get caught.”

q  The bottom line: “She means nothing to me,” really means: “Neither do you.”

Whatever the motives may be, someone gets hurt.  If the “cheater” is so unhappy in his current life, he should leave. By posing as the “other woman”, you are saying that you lack self esteem and common sense (trust me, I know). The “treasured but used” complex needs to end.  The grass may seem greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it.